FEAR - Part 1, While I Don't Know Any Better

Often, I get the feeling that I'm standing on the edge of a valley. I possess the technical ability and desire to cross to the other side, and to the next level - but there's an invisible wall in my way. Further, it's almost as though a huge vacuum sits behind me, slowly but surely pulling me backward faster than I can move forward.

Reading self-help books, watching motivational videos (such as TED Talks), and attending webinars on gaining success are like cheat codes to getting a few inches forward. They give a little jolt of confidence when I need it, making me feel good for a day or two. 

The depletion of that boost is as taxing as a terrible vodka hangover, the kind where you've got borderline alcohol poisoning, you've vomited every bodily fluid that ever existed in your body, and the mere mention of a drink turns your stomach and sends you into dry heaving convulsions. 

Recently, I encountered a terrifying situation, one that brought me to tears many times while it remained a problem. In the few hours that I had to make things right, I exhibited a bravado that only rears it's glorious head when trapped against the wall, with little way out but charging full speed ahead. It was a combination of a burning flame within my chest, and a lighted path on which I knew I had to travel despite the consequences. During those fleeting, blind moments, nothing matters; the fire within is stronger than any force, and it does not relent until the job is done. And as suddenly as the fingers grip my soul and push it forward, they vanish, hidden until life calls them to service again. 

I wonder what that power is, and how can we control it? 

Grasping it is easy - that's what motivation is all about. The idea is that you hype yourself up enough to ignore the chatter in your brain and all around you. Motivation alone is not very helpful against fear. 

Mind you, I am not referring to fear as it is generally described in media and even in the sciences. We have fancy names for all sorts of specific, tangible fears - even the fear of failure or fear of success - but nothing really describes the fear that I usually feel: the fear of everything, and nothing, all at the same time. It's an intangible fear that can't be neatly packaged into any disorder or phobia. I sometimes wonder if it's really fear at all, but that's what it seems like. It's crippling. It keeps my projects from getting finished for no particular reason; it keeps me from moving upward in the company; it keeps me from reaching out to people just to say hello, even if they've been on my mind. Modern wisdom tells us that the way to face our fears is to do just that - stare them in the eye and face them.

If it were that easy, we would have a world full of fearless people. But we don't. We have a few brilliant leaders who have been able to manipulate that inner drive so much that it took them not only to the other side of the valley, but to other worlds. 

Our world is rapidly improving and changing daily, as a result of these minds. Can you imagine the things humankind could do if people like me, with so much latent energy, could truly and fully control the intrinsic power behind the burning in our chests? 

I smile as I think of how my entire being has latched on this new quest of discovering the key behind this newfound  discovery; I relish the irony of experiencing that unique push as I seek to understand it. I am also excited to see what other secrets I unlock through my research and travels. 

I hope you're ready for this too.